A Brother's Regret
by CharmedLoTRHonorAmor
Summary: They were the best of friends. Driven apart by loyalty. Now, a dying Regulus Black remembers...


The lake was green. Green and black and vast. So vast. The cavern so high I cannot see the top. I know I will die here. Trying to undo my greatest mistake. I know that preacher would drink the poison but it is my debt to pay. The boat glides over the black water. The light intensifies we are closer. Closer. Closer. The boat lands. Pebbles scrape the bottom of the boat. I step out, preacher behind me. My steps are quite, and final. We approach the basin. It is meant to be drunk. The first sip and…I see my mistake. The mark. And then…I see…the one…I long to hold. To hold him and tell him how sorry, how very sorry I am. And it is more than one memory.

"Sir it's my turn." A small 4-year-old boy pulled himself up next to his older brother's broom. Sirius chuckled even at 6 he was cute. He landed then lifted Regulus up on to his broom.

"Hold on tight now reg. and away we go!" Sirius laughed in delight as they flew in the air high above the house. Then Sirius looked down at his brother and kissed the top of his head, "God, I love you Reg."

Regulus looked up at his brother and smiled sweetly "I know and I love you to, forever. Nothing's ever going to come between us Siri." Sirius pointed the broom down and dived and as they dived each brother's yells of joy merged as one.

Regulus stood by his window. One week. In one week everything had changed. Sirius in, in Gryffindor! Had it only been one week since the start of Hogwarts term and Sirius being in Gryffindor, only one week since his parents sent the letter to Sirius. In the distance a owl swooped towards the manor. There was a screech downstairs apparently the letter was not another well-deserved order of Merlin. As Regulus walked down stairs he heard his mother talking in a terse low whisper. "How dare he how dare he shame our name? It will be a gift for Regulus to go to school, for Regulus, our true son to set things to rights. Oh! Regulus look at what he sent to our home." His mother was fuming even though Regulus was only nine he had grown a lot in his parent's eyes ever since Sirius was put in the house of Gryffindor. He smiled "What is it now mother I thought you and father settled him?' even from behind her fury his father smiled down at his youngest son, "Regulus see what the traitor has sent us," Regulus took the letter and read:

_Parents, and Young Brother,_

_BUZZ OFF, although the grate hall rather enjoyed hearing your voices (I think Dumbledore was rather amused to tell the truth) it has been requested by my dear friend James that he not be serenaded in such a rude way by my lovely parents. I rather think he put a pair of earmuffs on for the next week at breakfast._

_So once more BUZZ OFF I WANT NO COMUNIACTIONS WITH YOU ANYMORE! _

_Oh by the way James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew are my friends._

_Your Not so Loving son,_

_Sirius Black (wish I wasn't a black but can't be helped.)_

_P.S. I told James to wear earmuffs at breakfast again for a while._

_P.P.S. Regulus I missed hearing your voice in that lovely letter from home, what's up lost your voice - no that would be too lucky._

_Well I expect I will be hearing from you all soon enough weather I want to or not._

_Oh Mom, I try to shame the name off Black quite as much as I can, so no worries there._

_HAHA Sirius XXXXX (NOT BLACK you will notice)_

Regulus looked up "well, it does not show proper respect that is for sure." He looked at his father, "Oh please don't worry he will come crying back to us in the end, and anyway it does not matter you do have me." "And you always will." He added to himself. "I will not betray you mother, I swear it." At his last words his mother crushed him in a hug then lead him to a seat and called for Kreacher to come get him a new broom while master and mistress "wrote" to Sirius.

It was just after Regulus' birthday and he was now ten next year he would be off to school. Sirius had not returned after the year ended but nobody expected him to. Still Regulus felt a small twinge of sadness, on his older brothers behavior. Hadn't they sworn never to abandon each other? Then as he sat on his bedroom floor painting the black family motto on his headboard he heard Sirius' and a boy who he did not recognize whispering in the garden he went outside when they saw him Sirius grinned wickedly,

"Hello little brother, this is James, now I'm not here to stay but just to get my broom so you are going to go get it for me and I won't curse you, and you will not alert dad or that hag you call mum that I am hear or Kreacher and then you will come give me my broom in perfect condition and I'll be off understand." Regulus gapped at Sirius he comes back now the little blood traitor ordering him around like he was the prince of the world.

Then Regulus opened his mouth to protest but Sirius shook his head "well Regulus I thought you still might care for your big brother but looks like not so adios." He turned to leave smiling at James who muttered something that Regulus could not hear. At Sirius' words Regulus blushed remembering the time when he idolized Sirius. Well, he would get the broom; he turned and ran back into the house. For some reason he wanted Sirius' approval just one last time. As he returned outside with the broom in his hands Sirius seemed surprised to see him but there was a small almost loving smile on his face as he took the broom. "Thanks reg, I owe you." Regulus was surprised to hear his old nickname; he had not heard it for years. But held his tongue and watched as Sirius flew off with James Potter a little hole appeared in his heart.

Back up in his room he saw a box of candy on his bed he looked at the card that read:

_Regulus thanks for my broom. _ Honeydukes read the label. "That was…kind." Regulus spoke aloud wondering, were Sirius would go, then he shock him self it did not matter, Sirius was not worth his notice any more. Nor, and Regulars' heart broke at his thought, was Sirius his brother any longer.

Regulus shock so much he could barely hold the goblet to his mouth, with his last ounce of sanity he spoke and dimly in the back of his mind he laughed at how horse and dry his voice sounded. "Kreacher make me keep drinking."

"Regulus keep an eye on Sirius for us and keep our family pride, hold up our name and say hello to your cousins for me." His mother kissed his checks, holding his face between her hands.

"Now now Walburga, I'm sure Regulus can behave with proper decorum. Cant you?"

"Of course father." Regulus bowed his head, long black locks obscuring his eyes, but a faint smile playing on his lips.

"Go my boy find a compartment." Regulus nodded his ascent and disappeared onto the train. Walking quickly he did not realize he was heading straight for someone until he ran into-"Sirius!?" His brother jolted, looking down at him his expression unreadable. "Siri what's wrong?"

"It's a parting of the ways Reg. You go yours, and I go mine. Each to our own beliefs." Sirius eyebrows raised a bit at the end. "Goodbye Regulus." And the little king felt his heart break again. "SLYTHERIN!" and the eyes darkened, and turned away.

"And now I present to you, the Hogwarts graduating class!" the great hall erupted in cheers. People standing throwing hats high in the air. And there he was standing, an arm thrown over James', (OH! How Regulus had come to hate the one who stole his brother away.) Shoulder, laughing at some unheard joke. His head was thrown far back and black hair waved mockingly at him from across the room. James turned and spun his girlfriend in the air. The were-wolf and the fat boy laughed. Sirius looked up. Grey eyes met across the room. For a moment they stood, suspended. Eyes locked, then. James touched Sirius' shoulder, and…he was gone…and Regulus was all alone.

"Do you promise to serve?"

"I do."

"Then rise and take your oath to our lord."

Regulus rose and stepped through the circle of white masked watching crowd toward a throne. He knelt in front of a robed figure.

"I swear my everlasting servitude. Everlasting obedience. Everlasting fealty. Till death take me. My life is bound to thine, and I serve thee."

"And I, shall not forget it. Arise, Regulus Black Arise, my servant."

A knock on his door. He live in a London house, and no one comes. If he is called to his lord he goes first to lord Malfoy's residence. "Sirius? What are you doing her?"

"I-I just wondered if you had time for a bite to eat, o…well I'm on lunch break."

"Come in." lunch was a tense affaire. Sirius kept looking around him, as though nervous. Regulus frowned and bit his lip. His brother had to know, but could he tell him? "Siri, I've joined." Sirius' jaw clenched.

"So have I. The other side. We're playing against each other again aren't we?" Although his tone was joking, Regulus could see the deep pain in his brother's eyes. And, deep disappointment. "So you didn't have the strength to break from our parents huh?"

"Don't talk to me about strength! Traitor." Regulus stood up, pushing his chair back.

"Maybe I am a traitor, but at least I am on the right side of this war." Sirius also rose.

"The right side! What do you know of honor and right and wrong? You betrayed your family! You-" But Regulus was cut off.

"Family! Those bastards were not my family. MY family is Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs Prongs. I left no one there." Sirius turned to the door.

"You!" Regulus' rage stopped him from speech. Then his voice lowered, and Sirius heard the deep grief it housed. "You left no one in that house Sirius? What about me? You left your little brother alone. You left me! Sirius, Me! How brave are the Gryffindor! They save themselves and leave their nine year old brother alone! If this is Gryffindor bravery, I want no part of it. If this is the life of a Gryffindor then I would name them coward, not brave. You left me Sirius, you left me alone. Now I leave you. And like you, I don't come back" Regulus turned away, and this time it was the Dog Star whose heart broke.

Regulus did not know when he started to doubt the Dark Lord. All he knew with certainty was that a soul should not be split and, and he never wanted to see disappointment in Sirius' eyes again.

Now as the poison kills me all I can see is your face. Your laughing eyes. Except, in my vision they are filled with happiness instead of disappointment. Maybe, maybe if you knew what I did you would forgive me. I once told you that Gryffindors were not brave and that I wanted no part of it. I was so very wrong. All I want is your praise. I just want to hear your voice one last time; I just want to see your face. Siri, Siri please forgive me. I don't think my soul can stand your shame. I don't think I can stand your disappointment. I am dying Sirius and all I want is for you to hold me. I just want you to hold me close and tell me that everything is going to be all right and that you love me. That's all I want, I just want…Sirius, all I ever wanted was your love.

If you hate it tell me why. if you love it tell me why!!


End file.
